I Turn Down A Job

“Sorry, John, no can do—I’m too scared.”

Sutro Tower
The job? Filming the San Francisco Sutro Tower. It’s about the same height as the Eiffel Tower, but while the Eiffel is on ground level, the Sutro is perched on top of the city’s highest peak.

Acrophobics Anonymous
I want to join. But it doesn’t exist. Instead, I turn to my cameraman/producer son-in-law.

“George, have you been up?” George is so macho. “Sutro Tower? Many times.”

“Were you scared?” “Me, never but one time I went up with cub reporter, Philippa. You’ve seen the tiny elevator—it fits two people squashed together.”

No Room at the Top
“Going up, you’re leaning to the left—then at about three quarters up the legs flare out and the elevator tilts the other way. Philippa freaks out.” “And?” “She wets herself. The good thing is, she forgets her fear of heights. We arrive at level six and get out. She looks for the restroom.”

“Which isn’t there.” “Right—no room at the top.”

George Is Scared
“George, you’re such an alpha male—aren’t you ever scared?”

“In Rwanda we had a guy following us with an AK-47.”

“Good guy or bad guy?” “Impossible to tell. He had one shoe on and the other off. Looked crazed out. Just kept following us. Hour after hour…”

“I was shit scared he’d start shooting. Followed us wherever we went. The sun set and he just vanished.”

Stefan Is Scared
I had the same thing in L.A. I’d bought my Avid, $75,000, then the sales guy says, “Plus 8.5 percent California sales tax, but since you’re not a resident, I’ll ship it tax-free to Nevada.”

At Las Vegas FedEx, I collect my Avid. Drive out and there’s an LAPD cop car right behind me. They sit there in my rear vision mirror. I stop at Barstow for a bite. They park next to me. Eat at the next table.

I leave. They leave. Hours pass. Driving through L.A. at night and all the time they’re one car behind.”

“Not the same thing at all. Why be scared of two harmless cops?”

George Wets His Pants
“George, what about the time you were shooting over the Bay and the helicopter’s motor stopped. Weren’t you scared?”

“No, it all happened too fast. We went into free fall. Hit the water. Splash. Went under and then bounced up—and yes, my pants got wet.”

Very scared—I’m falling off a speedboat—save the camera.

Stefan Gets Wet Too
“I’m in New Zealand shooting from the side of a speedboat. I’m balancing my Éclair camera on my shoulder. I’m scared. We hit a wave. As I go over, I throw the camera to Rosemary.”

“Sorry, Stefan, my scary stories are way better than yours.”

He’s right—I need bigger and better scares. Maybe I’ll go up the tower.

SUTRO TOWER IS CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC, ACROPHOBICS AND CUB REPORTERS.

It’s me and I’m naked! Preserved forever by the National Film & Sound Archive

July 2012, Laguna Beach, CA I’m locked away in a motel room trying to write a feature film screenplay. Fortunately it’s cold and wet outside – summer in Southern California isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I have a book with me “How to Write a Movie in 21 Days” by Viki King.

Hey Viki, I’m going to do it in seven.

I come home on Monday – 97 page script “completed” in Final Draft.

NOW THE LOGLINE

Harder than writing the screenplay is the logline. The one sentence that sums it all up:

YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS YOUNG a true story from 1968 – a pop video film director commissioned to film aboriginals discovers more than expected – including himself.

1968: between The Summer of Love and Woodstock. A year of protest and change: the war in Vietnam; worldwide anti-war demonstrations; in Paris, a student revolution, Russia invades Czechoslovakia; millions starve in Biafra; Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King shot. And, for the first time ever, we see the earth from space.

Then there’s me and my own personal 1968 story; but why write it, 44 years later? OK, here’s the back-story.

A SURPRISE EMAIL

A couple of weeks ago, intermixed with Max Gentleman and Canadian Pharmacy e-mails, there’s one from Simon Smith, documentary curator of The National Film and Sound Archives in Australia – could they preserve my films in the National Collection?

Hi Simon, is this for real or a scam?

For real Stefan, I’ve never been to Nigeria. We’ve been tracking you for years. Do you have the masters for “The Australian Londoners” (1965)?

Simon, I have a 16mm print right under my desk. BTW do you have my “Edge of the Outback” (1967) and the “Change at Groote” (1968)?

Stefan, Change at Groote is fully held and preserved and the ABC has one 16mm copy of Edge of the Outback.

Great, Simon what about my Bandstand films, my Streets Ice cream commercials, my Vincent APC ads?

Stefan, I’ll see what I can dig out. Oh BTW we found these stills of you filming on Groote Eylandt.

My skinny-dipping sound recordist, Rosie, enjoying a waterfall with cameraman, Keith.

And then out of the past, attached to Simon’s next email are 44 year old photos of the shoot on Groote. Not staged production shots but real photos of Keith, Rosemary and me filming and enjoying ourselves. We’re on top of bulldozers, fooling around in our island house, skinny dippy under a tropical waterfall. And here’s Rosie on her birthday, March 10, 1968, with candles and cake. It sends me reeling. Yesterday, when I was …

On location, only a week before, Rosie had complained to me that Keith had touched her leg, “Please tell him to stop – say, I’m not interested.” And now in the humid heat of Groote Eylandt, there they are in the water, naked, hugging and kissing.

HEATHER MADE ME DO IT

Heather helps my Tricia with her linen business. I show her the photos; tell her my summer of ’68 story. Little do I know, she has a degree in screenwriting. The next day she comes in with a suitcase full of famous screenplays and books on how to write ‘em. “It’s a true story, you’ve got to write it! Do it.”

WHERE’S STEFAN?

“He’s away in Laguna Beach writing a screenplay. You said, ‘Do it’ and he did.”

There are so many songs in me that won’t be sung
I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue
The time has come for me to pay for yesterday
When I was young.

Read it at http://www.yesterdaywheniwasyoung.us/

London, April 1982.

Me in '82 - I'm the boss at Molinare

I’m CEO of Molinare. After months of planning, we launch Britain’s first satellite TV service, Satellite Television plc. A year later, 80% is sold to Rupert Murdoch for $1. Today, my fledgling is called BSkyB and has a market value of $18 billion.

How I missed out on both the $1 and the subsequent 18 big ones is another story – this story is about how, 30 years later, I cut the cable and ditched the dish.

OUR HOME THEATER
San Francisco, February 2005. I buy a video projector from Costco. I also buy a BestBuy 8 ft. pull-down screen. One night, on a whim, I tape some plain white paper to this $800 screen. Surprise! It’s brighter – eBay #1.

At a local blind company, we discover white blackout material. Our new 8 ft. roller blind screen costs $135.

At night, we pull the screen down, stretch out and watch DVDs and the Dish.
OUT DAMNED DISH
September 2010. Ninety nine dish channels and what do we watch? Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Rachel Maddows and a few others. Tricia and I agree: it has to go.

Also for Das Boot (director’s cut) is our home phone line. Who needs an antique phone with a wire? Not us chickens.

At a stroke, we save a whopping $140 a month!

WOO HOO ROKU

Using my hypothetical “saved” money, I launch into a spree of replacements gadgets.

The Losers – boxes, keyboards, remotes, etc. on their way to eBay

First: the Roku. A great toy but missing a trick here and there – like the USB, which won’t play movies from a portable drive – eBay #2.

I buy a WD TV Live. Now I can play HD feature films from disc. But TV Live? Sure it has Netflix, YouTube, Facebook – but where’s live television? Nowhere, that’s where – eBay #3.

I WANT THE WEB AND I WANT IT BAD
For this I need (well, I think I need) a Logitech Revue (Google TV). OMG, what a disaster! So hard to navigate… In a moment of sheer madness, I purchase the pro-keyboard. Insult added to injury- eBay #4 & #5.

OTA TELLY
How about real old-fashioned over-the-air television? I buy a Winegard RC-1010 digital receiver. It’s as bad as the Logitech Revue. No, it isn’t; it’s far worse – eBay #6.

SANITY RETURNS
September, 2012. Putting it mildly, this hasn’t been a success. The old projector has to go – eBay #7. I settle on a 3D Optoma HD33. It’s much brighter, has two HDMI inputs – $1,319 from Amazon.

My home theater 3D projector – an Optoma HD33

Now I have a 3D projector, naturally I need a new 3D Blu-ray player. The $119 LG BD670 is the perfect complement – old DVD, eBay #8.

BOXEE – SILLY NAME, STUPID SHAPE, AWFUL LOGO
The final link is a $179 Boxee box. I’ve resisted Boxee because of its loopy   appearance. But it’s brilliant: the Web done properly, a USB that plays my drives – plus a Live TV plug-in with an OTA antenna that works. Hello, ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, PBS and all in HD. Quasimodo ugly but it flies.

The Winner – the Boxee Box with USB Live TV

IF IT’S MONDAY, IT’S BREAKING BAD
The $140 a month subscribers saw it yesterday. A season pass on Amazon is $2.84 an episode, that’s $11.36 a month.

Power up Boxee. Pull down the screen. Turn on the projector.  Lie down, feet up. Click, click. There’s Breaking Bad, commercial free.

The revolution has started. Odds are, you’ll join. Or is saving $100+ each and every month – unimportant?

READY STEADY GO
Elkan and I had great times together. I’ll never forget the first time I almost met him.

It was a rainy Friday night in London – I even know the date, March 20, 1964. The place: the pub behind Rediffusion House; there he is surrounded by mini-skirted girls; Elkan, the center of attention.

I’m a cameraman at ITN, a news organization, based on the top floor of Rediffusion House. My colleagues have taken me out of the building through a side exit as the street is blocked by police, screaming fans and film crews. It’s called, Beatle Mania.

I enter the crowded pub, see the girls, the commotion, “Who’s that?” “Elkan.” “Who?” “You’ve never heard of Elkan Allan! He’s the producer of Ready Steady Go. “

That evening Ready, Steady, Go, broadcast live from the basement of Rediffusion House, has featured the Beatles singing “Can’t Buy Me Love”.

A HARD DAY’S DAY NIGHT

1964 - The Beatles at the Scala Theatre performing A Hard Day’s Night

A week later I’m with the ITN film crew sent to cover the filming of a Hard Day’s Night. We’re at the Scala Theater in London’s Charlotte Street. The Beatles are on a stage decked out with white Formica. We finish shooting the ITN news report. “Can I stay on?” “Sure.” I spend the rest of the day watching the Beatles rehearse, Dick Lester directing and the feature film crew at work. Bliss…

CHANNEL FOUR

It’s 1982, eighteen years later.  Elkan is in my office at Molinare. C4, Channel Four, a new independent broadcaster, are soon to be on air. Unlike the BBC and commercial TV stations, C4’s charter is to commission all programs from outside contractors.

Elkan wants to provide the C4 weather. “The weather, Elkan! Are you crazy?” “No, dear boy, they need to buy it in and someone has to provide it. The Met. Office has all the data. Your company, Molinare, has the latest technology.”

1982 - Ampex Video Art at Molinare

Yes, we have AVA, Ampex Video Art, today’s most advanced electronic painting and animation device. His idea is to animate the weather. Don’t forget this is 1982, the BBC are using cardboard clouds.

Our computer graphics guy, Paul Docherty, creates a demo three minute broadcast with music and voice over. We all go to see the new Head of Programs at C4. The U-Matic tape plays in his office, then, on cue, the tea lady comes in and plunks the tray down right in front of the monitor. She spends the next two minutes blocking the monitor pouring tea. “Let’s run it again.” “No, I get the general idea. Enjoy your tea, I’ve a meeting to go to.” Grrrrr…

REVERSAL OF FORTUNE

1992 – there’s no stopping Elkan. By now I’m running Spitfire Television. “Stefan, here’s an idea. Why don’t I go to Rhode Island and get the tapes of Claus von Bulow’s two trials.  Columbia TriStar can release our documentary with the feature film version, Reversal of Fortune.

1992 – Elkan editing “LA Cops on Trial” at Spitfire Television. Video editor, Mark Wharton, surveys the 1” tape rushes.

We make the documentary, The Trials of Claus von Bulow, they buy it and love it. We make three more trials, William Kennedy Smith, Jeffery Dahmer and LA Cops on Trial with Rodney King.

My Fab Four: Claus, Kennedy, Dahmer and King. Every month I get royalties from Amazon.

Thank you Rodney. Thank you Elkan.

It’s the week before NAB. I’m transferring tapes and files from my shoot in Bakersfield, Calif. The phone rings. “Hi, I’m Rebecca, Zaxox PR. I believe you’re going to NAB. My client Hubris Microsystems will be exhibiting there. I’d like to I arrange a meeting…” “Whoooaa—hold it. You need to speak to Jay Holben, he’s the Digital Video technical editor. I just write about disposable cameras.”

“Disposable cameras?” “Yes, you know the ones you bury in the ground and let the horses gallop over. I guess you’ve seen Napoleon—Able Gance’s 1927 masterpiece—he used a Debrie Parvo 35mm camera. I had a Bell & Howell Filmo Auto Load 16mm, it survived explosions, railroad trains, destruction testing… but don’t let me bore you; Jay’s your man.”

Loose Chips
Client of the month is Mt. Poso Cogeneration. I’m shooting in HD but the video is for their website and a few DVDs.

I’m having a meeting with Bill, the plant manager, and Louis, his operations manager. They receive wood chips from unwanted trees, burn them, create steam, drive turbines, make electricity. It’s a closed system—no smoke, no pollution, renewable energy—green, green, green.

Time to ask a question: “Apart from the trucks delivering the wood chips, the process is contained?” “That’s right. There’s nothing to see apart from the exterior of the plant,” says Louis.

We Go Walkabout
“Louis, there must be something I can shoot. Look, this is a GoPro camera—it cost $299—it’s disposable. I need movement; interesting, exciting shots: inside the flames, the turbines spinning, there’s steam, sparks of electricity, life forces…” Louis has always thought filmmakers were mad, I’m just reinforcing that idea.

“Louis, what’s the most exciting shot I can get?” “Well you could put the camera on the conveyor belt.” “And catch it at the other end?” “Not possible—but if we tie some string onto it, we could pull it back. It’s risky.”

Disposable Dave
The next day, after a cautionary talk by the health and safety officer, we are leaning over the conveyor belt, and my brave little GoPro with its Gorilla tripod is being positioned on the wood chips.

Dave and Tricia have 40 feet of cable gaffer-taped to the GoPro. The live picture looks good. “Camera flashing?” “YES!” “OK, Louis, start the conveyor belt.”

Dave and Tricia are feeding out the cable to the moving conveyor belt when suddenly Dave is grabbed by fast-moving wood chips and dragged onto the belt. Tricia throws herself onto it and climbs, hand over hand, up the chips to rescue Dave before he enters the furnace.

“Forget Dave! Get the camera! Save the camera!” screams Stefan. Not to worry, that little GoPro just keeps on running.

Louis hits emergency stop. Zap! The conveyor belt stops. All safe. We got it!

(Dave and Tricia are OK—I just made that up.)

Yeah—it’s terrific! Louis, I love you

DIANE – HIS NEW PA

An e-mail: Hi Stefan, Harvey is teaching in Big Sur next month and wants you to shoot 12 five-minute talks. Please quote.

Hi Diane, it’s really up to Harvey. Can he do all 12 in one day?

Stefan, just spoke to Harvey. He thinks he can do three a day after the training sessions. I can send you a list of topics.

INSERT ANOTHER EIGHT E-MAILS.

Diane, our e-mails are getting nowhere. I want to speak to Harvey direct.

Stefan, I’ll organize a conference call.

THE CONFERENCE CALL
Friends, there are the three things that drive me up the wall:

3: 24p. Note that both Peter Jackson and James Cameron have ditched 24p on their next movies.
2: The current craze to shoot movies on tricked-out still cameras instead of using video cameras.
1: Conference calls. Grrrrrr…

Needless to say, Harvey never makes it to the phone. After 25 minutes with Diane, nothing is resolved.

IT’S ON
I receive another e-mail. I’m booked for the week.

IT’S OFF
ONE DAY before the shoot—it’s all off. I’m packed and ready to go. I AM SO PISSED!

At this stage, any normal, rational person would have booked a flight to Pago Pago and gone native. Oh no, not me—I’m chewed up with angst… Sod Harvey! Sod Diane! I’m a filmmaker! I make films! I’ll shoot next week, no matter what!

A PLAN OF MY OWN INVENTION
I’ll start by shooting the neighbors: Mary next door, Carolyn up the road, Trip, our inventor friend. I’ll even shoot Andy, who runs the local deli.

“Mary, I’m coming over to shoot you—don’t change, don’t clean the house. It’s just a three-minute piece about YOU.”

Whooosh, I’m there. “Mary, tell me who you are, where you live. Talk to the camera.” She does it. I run home. It’s exactly 2’ 59”.

I immediately register 2-59.com; now, instead of shooting Harvey, I’m filming friends, neighbors and strangers.

Stephen, a musician and computer artist
I shoot Stephen, who creates visual interpretations of music. He suggests I film his next-door neighbor, Alan. Knock, knock. (The camera is running.) “Hello, I’m Stefan, a friend of Stephen. Can I film you?”

Bug of Heritage Salvage, Passionate Purveyor of Planks, Patina and Provenance

We’re driving up to Petaluma to film Karen, a vineyard owner; we pass a salvage wood outlet. Drive in. “Can I film you?” “Sure.” “It that your bike? Can you just ride around and I’ll fire questions at you from the car window.” His name is Bug and he’s great.
Dee, the general manager of Angel Island

I’ll do 1,000+ of these: firemen, architects, judges, garbage collectors… I’ll ask other filmmakers to join in and contribute. We’ll build a huge database of real people talking about themselves.

WHAT A STUPID IDEA
Then, like a hallucinatory drug wearing off, I stop. Should I continue and shoot my dentist, Andy at the deli, my actor friend Peter? I must be crazy. It seemed like a good idea—but is it?

What’s it all about, Stefan?

If I could afford it, I’d only make pro-bono videos. The “clients” are just so grateful. “I can’t thank you enough for this!” You get free lunches, free tickets to their fund raising Gala. “Stand up Stefan, John and Tricia. These are our wonderful filmmakers!” Applause, cheers, the Gala audience goes wild. We’re Super Stars.
After all the praise and thanks, I get a tax credit for making a donation.

MY CLIENT, SHE WROTE ME A LETTER
Remember Alison – Alison, from my local WildCare non-profit? A year ago, she was “THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH 9:16” in my February Prod. Diary.
Alison wonders why she shot 9:16 portrait instead of wide screen landscape.

Last year, she made a YouTube video that went viral – 707,000 viewings and counting!

Now, it’s Xmas. She writes me a letter:
Merry Christmas! Sending big warm hugs all around Unfortunately I have some bad news: here’s the word from on high, due to budget constraints etc. we have decided to recycle one of the previous videos instead of making a new one.
I am SO bummed!

Hi Alison,
Sh** happens – if there’s anything I can do – like say knock up a free video – let me know…

My smooth talking sales pitch works. She falls for it. We’re doing this year’s video for free!

I’M COOL, SO FLAME MEStarman and his $7,400 Pannie HPX370. He needs more work – even tried Craigslist.

A few months ago, I wrote HOW TO FIND WORK for DV.com. It was in response to a forlorn post by Starman. Here’s the jist of my piece:
Starman, you need more and better contacts. Stop thinking of yourself as a cameraman; you’re a media wrangler; you can do everything from Photoshop to WordPress Websites. Demonstrate how good you are – offer to do it for free. If you’re good, paying work will follow.

It’s my own M.O. – I’ve been doing free “get to know me” videos since way back when. Did I get flamed? You bet:

• God what absolute garbage. Is this a piss-take? Charging nothing is what will destroy the business of the guy you are trying to help. How many freebies will turn into paying jobs? Bugger all.
• What a stupid column! Yeah right! So, do all kinds of incredibly easy things – things anyone could do – and, do them all free! He’s gonna be busy all right. LOL!
• I think freebies are a waste of time now – the sort of client who will accept a freebie is the sort who will pay peanuts later.

BROADCAST MUSEUM FREEBIESan Francisco television inventor, Philo Farnsworth wonders where the glass tube goes.

Ten years ago, I’m invited to a committee meeting. “How are we going to raise money for the museum?” I suggest making a video. I’ll do it for free.

Freebie finished, it’s shown at NATAS events and on local TV. That one pro-bono, has brought in paying, regular work and 100s of 1,000s of real, bankable dollars.

• How many freebies will turn into paying jobs? Bugger all.
  
  Wrong. I have the 1099s.

THE HARVEST

We start shooting the vineyard at dawn. Jamie, our star winemaker is helping the Mexican pickers and loading the truck with six tons of Pinot Noir grapes. He drives down the mountain ridge to the coast and then inland to the winery. I have a camera stuck to the windscreen shooting Jamie and the amazing views.

THE ECSTACY
I have a vision splendid…

Now I need a ‘copter sequence. Jamie has agreed to re-create the drive. The must have shot, is Jamie driving the truck with his precious fruit along the Pacific Coast Highway. I have the Google Earth photo taped to my wall. I look at it everyday. I will get this shot – no matter what!

OBSTACLES THERE TO OVERCOME

1) The truck is not Jamie’s but the winery’s. The owner says Jamie can borrow it again but not until the last harvest is in.

2) We need to load the truck up with six tons of grapes. Cost: approx. $30,000. Impossible. Tricia cuts plywood to fit the top bins and paints them dark grape color. All we need is a thin layer of grapes. It’s late in the season, all the grapes have been harvested. Tricia finds a vineyard with Merlot grapes that nobody wants. We buy them at a discount rate.

3) I need an affordable helicopter. A real ‘copter would cost $5K – plus lots of air to ground communication problems. I’ve seen Derek’s remote control helicopter shoots on the internet. I contact him and tell him my tiny budget.

WE CAN DO IT, YES WE CANDerek practices the shot

THE DAY BEFORE

Tricia collects the Merlot grapes and drives to the winery, where Jamie is loading up the truck with empty bins.
It’s a beautiful day at Jenner, CA. I’m with Derek and Martin, his camera operator, rehearsing the RC ‘copter shot. That night in the motel, we look at the tests. Perfect. I prepare my Oscar speech.

I VIEW THE MORNING WITH MUCH ALARM

6 am: I open the motel door. Fog. Thick fog. Where’s the car park gone? I lead the way in my car – headlights on. Where’s the road? The fog is so thick, I can hardly see the car in front of me. Eventually, we make Jenner where Tricia and Jamie are waiting with the winery truck “filled” with grapes. It’s fog, fog, everywhere. Derek can’t fly.

THE AGONY
No, we can’t! All is lost… cry me a river.

BUT THE AGE OF MIRACLES, IT HASN’T PAST

“Let’s take some shots up at the winery.” We drive up and up; suddenly it’s a perfect day. Derek takes aerial shots of the grape laden truck leaving the vineyard. The last shot is Jamie disappearing into thick fog. Then the ‘copter vanishes too. “It’s gone! If I can’t see it, I can’t control it.” But he does and magically it flies back out of the fog. A miracle.

Derek saves the ‘copter, I have some great aerials, and in foggy Jenner Town, the sun was shining everywhere